Public Speaking

Public speaking has never been my thing.  I had to do it the other day at work.  It was something I had been dreading for a while.

I’d made the task so overwhelming.  No one else in the room seemed to be so distressed.

Part of it was my fault.  I’d been telling myself for days that I would stay up late or wake up early to get my project done.  Last minute pressure would make my brain work better.  Well those sort of strategies may have worked when I was 20, but not so much now.  Having rushed through preparing the information I was to speak about obviously didn’t help at all.

I can only make it better next time though by getting my information together in plenty of time, and perhaps even rehearsing at home.  Why does this whole experience make me feel like I am in school again.

I feel like I have a defective part of my brain.  Others seem to do these things so easily.

Waiting until the last minute made me a hair late.  Normally I am punctual.  I could see my supervisor glare at me momentarily as I entered the room.  Time to do better next time.

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Nemesis

I wrote previously of my nemesis at work in this post.  I had thought she quit, but it turns out she only left for a leave of absence.  She is returning back to work soon, how lovely.  She likes to find fault with others, always making little snipes about something petty.  I compared her to Frank Burns, a character from the sitcom M*A*S*H.  Frank Burns was a surgeon who was often critical of others, but was also a hypocrite who couldn’t see his own faults or the big picture of what it meant to be an Army doctor during the Korean War.

She’s a pest, that fly that won’t stop buzzing in your ear.

I like to think I maintain a professional demeanor most of the time.  I lost it with her though.  I told her people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  She didn’t get it.

Oh well, I think I know how to handle her now.  I won’t let her get me rattled again.

I’d Like To Take a Mental Health Day off of Work..

….but I won’t.  I need to remind myself though to sign up for more vacation time.

Work is getting stranger, and busier.  There is that old saying, “Stop the world, I want to get off”, that is how I feel.  Usually, I accept work as one of the realities of life.  Today is one of those days where I would love to quit.  Or perhaps find a job with more flexibility where I am not expected to work some holidays and weekends.

I’d like to have more time with family.  Wouldn’t we all?

Of course, work gives me a paycheck.  Most days I feel like I do something meaningful in my job.  Some days I feel like it drains everything out of me, so my drive to do meaningful things outside of work is not there.

If only I could get away somewhere warm and sunny for just a few days.  We’ve had a fairly mild winter in the Midwest, but it snowed today.  Bah humbug to the snow!

Am I burnt out?  Am I depressed…I don’t know.  I know my mood  will soon pass.  I don’t know what the long term solution is.  The short term solution….take a nap or watch TV?

International Women’s Day…No Strike For Me

Today is International Women’s Day.  It has been suggested that women don’t go to work today to support this cause.

I’m not a big believer in strikes, especially if you have a job that is connected with the welfare of others.  Since I am a nurse, this would include me.

From my vantage point, it would seem to be a bit of a luxury not to go to work.  It would also seem a bit arrogant to take the day off and let others struggle to take of their own workload and yours as well.

Love

Life can often be a struggle.  Out of that struggle though we can learn many lessons. I think each day we aspire to be a better person.  Sometimes it easy, other times not so much.

I recently had a reminder of why the golden rule is so important.  I told myself I would start acting from a place of love when I deal with my fellow human beings. Not that I was a giant meanie before, but I knew I could use some improvement. For someone who can be a misanthrope, that is a challenge.

I’m trying really hard to figure out what the best way to love my alcoholic sister is, and trying to fight the urge to shut the door on our relationship.  I’m trying harder to be compassionate toward my mother because surely being the mother of an alcoholic is harder than being the sister of one.

I’m trying to assume the best of my coworkers, based on a recent incident I had at work. One of my coworkers essentially sees the people we supervise as without value.  Well it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out if you assume the worst about someone, that is how they will perform.

On Valentine’s Day we often think about our sweeties.  I love my husband dearly, nothing will change that.  Wouldn’t today also be a great day to think about how we could spread just a little love and kindness into the world.

I’m trying to be kinder and less impatient when out in the world.  I’m trying not to let the slow old ladies clogging up the grocery store aisles bother me.  When I was at the store recently, I realized that would be me sooner than later, and I would hope people would treat me with patience.

Every day, when I get out of bed, I’m going to remind myself to do just a little but better and act from a place of love.

 

 

Two Socially Awkward Women at Work–what to do

As a kid I was painfully shy.  Growing up, some of this shyness has went away.  Sometimes though having difficult conversations can be hard though.  That side of me that I try to keep under wraps-the socially awkward side-makes me freeze up in conflict. I want to do some problem solving but also tell someone at work to f* off, but in a way that won’t get me in trouble. I’m trying to figure out how to have this conversation so my words don’t come out in an awkward mess.  As I write this I picture myself eye rolling, ending the conversation abruptly and stomping away.  Don’t get the wrong idea, this isn’t frequent behavior for me, but I know the potential is there.

The coworker  is also socially awkward, and comes off as disrespectful to a lot of the people I supervise.  She is one to constantly pick out the faults of others, but not able to see her own faults or the big picture of what we are trying to accomplish.

I don’t know if you have ever watched M*A*S*H.  I picture my coworker as Frank Burns.  I would be Charles Winchester.  Both characters were jerks in their own way and foils for Hawkeye and other cast members.  Though these characters weren’t on the show at the same time, they often had trouble getting along with others.  Frank Burns’ character on the show was frequently trying to find fault with others. Charles Winchester was sort of pompous, but I feel underneath he had more redeeming qualities than Frank Burns.While I think I mostly get along with others pretty well, I feel disconnected at trying to problem solve with this woman.

I’m going to give myself a night to sleep on it an hope to have more wisdom in the morning.

 

Renewed Strength

At work this weekend I met a man that melted my heart.  He was an elderly man with cancer which had begun metastasizing.  Though he was still undergoing treatment to fight the cancer, he was beginning to think that death was nearer than he would like.

Despite his circumstances he was incredibly gracious, more gracious than I would imagine myself to be in those circumstances.  We only spent an hour together.  My role was to help him, but it was he who provided me with awe and wonder. Though the subject of our conversations mostly were on the serious side, at the end of my shift I had a renewed strength in why I had pursued nursing as a career.  Even though there are many above me who dictate what I should do as a nurse and make more money, it is I who provide the hands on care, that receives the real gifts.

I’m not sure if I will see him again, I won’t forget him though.

Why can’t I own my words without regret?

I’m a nurse.  My supervisor has changed staffing policies without telling anyone what was going on.  Fewer people to deal with challenging situations.  There is the potential for even dangerous situations.  I speak my mind in the easiest way possible…via the keyboard.

Venting my concerns gets me nowhere, in fact I find out that things are worse than what I understood as I correspond with two of the people involved.  What is funny is that M, a nurse that I have seen go from brand new grad to someone in a supervisory capacity…..would have protested mightily, and even cried, if someone told her that she would have to work under these expectations.  Now she’s a supervisor….she doesn’t care.

What I don’t understand about myself though, is why I have regret about expressing my concerns.  Is there a part of me doesn’t want to be seen as difficult?  Or maybe I should have thought more on the matter before speaking?  Or perhaps it is the sense of futility I feel about having wasted my effort expressing myself.  Or perhaps I feel as my external facade of having control and a stiff upper lip is starting to crumble and it scares me.

Depression Update

I’ve been feeling better since my last post.  I’m not feeling so painful, or tired.

I’ve been trying to do some self reflection on what contributes to my depression.  I know that I need to do my best to ensure that I get enough sleep.

I’m not sure that I could have stopped my internal anger about my job situation.  I did talk to one of my supervisors.  I felt like she heard what I was saying, we’ll see how things play out.  So right now I’m putting thoughts of quitting on hold.  That doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind in a week or two, just that I am at peace with things for the moment.

I don’t see changing my medication for right now.

The first half of summer was pretty busy.  I think I will say no, for at least the time being to picking up extra hours at work.  I think that snowballs into me having less time in my off hours for things that are meaningful.

Lastly, I have been reflecting on those that I love.  When I feel badly I know I am not the wife or mom that I really want to be in my heart.  I am vowing for next week to be more loving and giving to those I care about.

Musings on Depression, episode 5892

I’ve been having a hard time with my mood lately.  Feeling stressed about my job, and wondering if I should find a new one have been a catalyst for a real low.

I’ve been having some trouble falling asleep at night, but then during my waking hours at home I just want to take a nap.  My joints feel like they are on fire. Not sure what is going on with my joints but I feel as if it is worsened by my mood. My stomach has been bugging me and I’ve been taking too many Tums.  Not sure if the stomach thing  is stress related or something else.   I’ve been feeling more anxious than usual.

As I write this I am hopeful my mood  will lift in a couple of days.

I wonder how I would be navigating this without my antidepressant medication.  I’m curious when people think medication is an easy solution.  For me the medication is just one of the tools I use.

Some Christians think I could just pray my feelings away.  How do they know?  I grew up being raised Catholic and don’t recall any resistance from that branch of Christianity in regards to taking meds.  One of my classmate’s dad at the Catholic school I attended was a psychiatrist, so I would guess he didn’t see a conflict between his faith and prescribing medication.

This Christian poster claims that she knows a cure for depression and anxiety, and it is free!  All I have to do is open my heart to God!  If that method worked for her, wonderful. It hasn’t worked for everyone though, and perhaps implies that one who hasn’t been cured hasn’t worked hard enough in her relationship with God.  It is a harmful message in my opinion.    In another post she implies that a parent who has a small child loudly  running around the grocery store is a lazy parent who simply doesn’t try hard enough.  Of course she isn’t a parent herself.