Circumstances have dictated that I must spend more time with my sister and my mom. Being around family means that old disagreements and painful memories come back to the surface.
It is okay to examine these old hurts for a time. It gets dangerous for me though when they start to consume my thoughts. Memories I thought were long dead come back to life to haunt me.
When those old memories haunt me, it is easy for my depression to sneak in and cast a dark cloud over everything.
I know for now I must say goodbye to the graveyard. Time to get back amongst the living.
She snooped in the suitcases, looking for clues. Clues about the owner of the suitcases.
She found neon colored bras and sparkly panties galore, enough to make a stripper jealous. All brands outside of the snooper’s price range.
Bottle caps and receipts for the liquor store.
A planner with many entries, of tasks never accomplished.
Overdue bills and credit card receipts.
Potions and eye shadows, enough for a year, not just a short trip.
Bottles of pills with no labels. Not Motrin or Tylenol best she could tell.
She stopped snooping, more bewildered than ever. Clearly over the years the gap had become ever wider, and she wasn’t sure she would ever understand the owner of the suitcases.
I’m sure I have written these sentiments before, but I feel it is time to do it again.
I am the one that has struggled with depression for most of my adult life.
I don’t need you to tell me your rapid fire method depression cure. Exercise is not a wonder cure. I am happy if it is for you. I can tell you when I was younger and more physically active, I was very deeply depressed. Although my circumstances in those times were that I sometimes walked miles a day, there was no endorphin high. Even as a teen, the times that I likely got hours of hard exercise, I was probably depressed but didn’t recognize it as such.
Don’t tell me pills are harmful. You don’t know what is best for me. I’ll assume the risk.
Don’t tell me about your herbal remedy. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. Herbal doesn’t mean safe. Herbal doesn’t mean our bodies clap and cheer when we ingest something natural, and recognize a pill as something as something inferior. After all, cocaine and heroin come from natural sources.
You think I am weak, and if I just put my mind to it, I could power through it. Well that approach has yet to work. Believe me I have tried many times.
For now I need the help a pill can give, something to boost me out of the fog and darkness. I am sorry if you don’t understand.
I recently tried to have a discussion with a gaslighter, to convince him of my truths and experiences. If you don’t know, gaslighting is a psychological term where the gaslighter tries to separate another from their reality, to make them doubt themselves, and their sanity. The more he tried to gaslight me, the more I wanted to speak my truth. Instead I should have just walked away.
My parents would sometimes gaslight me when I was a kid. I think my mom still does today. I wonder, was she conscious of what she was doing? I know she imagined my life in a certain way, if I told her something that contradicted that she didn’t want to listen.
Once, when my daughter was in elementary school, she came home and told me a story about her school day. I can’t remember the details about the story but the words “oh, that didn’t happen” started coming out of my mouth. I was mortified at myself for saying those words. This is something my mother would have done so she wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of whatever I was saying.
Have you ever had an experience with gaslighting?