Throwback Thursday…Renewed Strength

At work this weekend I met a man that melted my heart.  He was an elderly man with cancer which had begun metastasizing.  Though he was still undergoing treatment to fight the cancer, he was beginning to think that death was nearer than he would like.

Despite his circumstances he was incredibly gracious, more gracious than I would imagine myself to be in those circumstances.  We only spent an hour together.  My role was to help him, but it was he who provided me with awe and wonder. Though the subject of our conversations mostly were on the serious side, at the end of my shift I had a renewed strength in why I had pursued nursing as a career.  Even though there are many above me who dictate what I should do as a nurse and make more money, it is I who provide the hands on care, that receives the real gifts.

I’m not sure if I will see him again, I won’t forget him though.

My Garden

I thought it was my garden.

My humble effort at creativity.

An experiment that has gone on many years.

With the plants I’ve always loved, with occasional newcomers.

Just simple harmless dirt, some flowers and weeds.
I didn’t ask you to help.

But yet you can’t keep your hands off of it.

Of course you think you can make it better, oh and neater too.

We wouldn’t want the garden to be messy.

I thought it was my place to play, to succeed and fail.

No, I can’t have even the dirt.

Love

Life can often be a struggle.  Out of that struggle though we can learn many lessons. I think each day we aspire to be a better person.  Sometimes it easy, other times not so much.

I recently had a reminder of why the golden rule is so important.  I told myself I would start acting from a place of love when I deal with my fellow human beings. Not that I was a giant meanie before, but I knew I could use some improvement. For someone who can be a misanthrope, that is a challenge.

I’m trying really hard to figure out what the best way to love my alcoholic sister is, and trying to fight the urge to shut the door on our relationship.  I’m trying harder to be compassionate toward my mother because surely being the mother of an alcoholic is harder than being the sister of one.

I’m trying to assume the best of my coworkers, based on a recent incident I had at work. One of my coworkers essentially sees the people we supervise as without value.  Well it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out if you assume the worst about someone, that is how they will perform.

On Valentine’s Day we often think about our sweeties.  I love my husband dearly, nothing will change that.  Wouldn’t today also be a great day to think about how we could spread just a little love and kindness into the world.

I’m trying to be kinder and less impatient when out in the world.  I’m trying not to let the slow old ladies clogging up the grocery store aisles bother me.  When I was at the store recently, I realized that would be me sooner than later, and I would hope people would treat me with patience.

Every day, when I get out of bed, I’m going to remind myself to do just a little but better and act from a place of love.

 

 

Yes, I will try making resolutions again!

Right now I am enjoying having both of my kids home during their winter breaks.  I’ll really miss the oldest when she returns back to college.

It seems once Christmas is over, when you live in a cold climate, you must steel yourself to get through the rest of winter.  Perhaps having something to focus on, such as a New Year’s Resolution  will distract me from the cold and snow.

I have two things I have been thinking about, family and aging.

As a nurse I’ve had the privilege of meeting many families throughout the years.  The ones who seem close knit and can bond together to support each other and their loved one during times of ill health always amaze me.  Perhaps this is because I never quite had this with my extended family.  However it doesn’t mean I can’t continue to make my best efforts to create this within my own family.  So there is my first resolution, to do the best that I can to be loving and create a loving atmosphere in which my family can flourish.  As I transitioned into my young adult years, I remember this being a time of conflict for my family and I.  I don’t want the same thing to happen for my college aged daughter.

My second resolution would be to take care of my physical body better than I did last year.I definitely need to make exercise more of a priority.  I’m not getting any younger so I want to delay some of those age related changes that can happen when one doesn’t exercise enough.  I already know my upper body strength isn’t what it used to be.

Happy 2017 everyone.

 

Renewed Strength

At work this weekend I met a man that melted my heart.  He was an elderly man with cancer which had begun metastasizing.  Though he was still undergoing treatment to fight the cancer, he was beginning to think that death was nearer than he would like.

Despite his circumstances he was incredibly gracious, more gracious than I would imagine myself to be in those circumstances.  We only spent an hour together.  My role was to help him, but it was he who provided me with awe and wonder. Though the subject of our conversations mostly were on the serious side, at the end of my shift I had a renewed strength in why I had pursued nursing as a career.  Even though there are many above me who dictate what I should do as a nurse and make more money, it is I who provide the hands on care, that receives the real gifts.

I’m not sure if I will see him again, I won’t forget him though.

The tracks of my tears

Why do my tears scare you?  Try as I might, they cannot, will not stay inside forever. Eventually, they will make their way to the outside, like a geyser or volcano that can no longer be suppressed.  When all is said and done, my tears are just mostly very small amounts of salt and water, what harm will they cause you?

I needed an outlet, the tears weren’t remotely about you.  The stiff upper lip, cool as a cucumber act can only go on so long.  Sometimes the outside has to match the inside.

I’ve cried before.  I know you don’t like it.  Maybe you should have walked away and let me be.  I am weak, is that what you don’t like?  What would you rather I do, keep it all inside, destroy something, get drunk…I don’t know.

The tears have come and gone.  The side that cries often fights with the side that tells me I must have no reaction.  I’ll clench my fist or bite my tongue in an attempt to stop the tears.  Over the years I cry less and less.  I try everything to keep the tears at bay, in part to avoid your reaction.

I wish I could forget how things went down in this latest episode.  I wish you could accept all of me, even that ugly part of me that sobs and lets the tears flow freely.

Life is too short.

This morning I found out Alan Rickman died of cancer at age 69.  This just a few days after David Bowie also died of cancer at age 69.  Two very talented men lost to the world in a week. I read that Alan Rickman had been married to his wife since the age of 19..wow!

Many years ago my grandfather died at age 65.  Back then someone in their sixties seemed quite old to me.  Now as I am older it doesn’t seem so old.  It certainly makes me think about what my genetic destiny might be as far as aging, and what I might do to prolong my stay here on earth.

Alan Rickman had quite a body of work.  Many knew him as Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films.  I’ve watched all of the Harry Potter films at least twice with my kids.  One of my favorite roles though was his portrayal of Colonel Brandon is Sense and Sensibility.  He was dreamy.JAH_Colonel-Brandon-Alan-Rickman-jane-austens-heroes-9173033-1024-576 (1)