Glitter

This is an older post.  It was inspired in part by a coworker.  She’s a user(0f people) and presents different sides of her personality depending on who she is dealing with.  She isn’t the brightest bulb, but she sure has the social skills that she uses to manipulate others.  I’m wondering if it is time to part ways with my employer and people like her. I am now actively trying to problem solve some of my issues at work, but you can’t make people listen if they don’t wish to. I hate hate hate the thought of quitting and leaving.  One thing I have managed to overcome in my depression if the urge to run away when the going gets tough.

g

You leave a trail of glitter wherever you go. I’m told I should delight in the sparkle you leave behind, as if I can capture some of the radiance for myself.  Your friends tell me to pay attention, that if I am lucky I will find a speck of precious metal or gemstone in the glitter. They tell me about silver, gold, ruby and emerald.

I don’t see what they see. I find the glitter cheap and abrasive.  Instead of delighting in your marvelous sparkle, why don’t you simply stop with the glitter, so I won’t be left to clean up your mess.

 

 

Advertisements

Day 27

Well today I have some writer’s block, probably from all the eating I have been doing for the last couple of days.  I think all the blood has been diverted from my brain to my stomach.  Today was a sort of lazy day with family.  I sort of half watched a football game and napped at the same time.

I think committing to the 30 days of blogging has loosened up some ideas in my head for future posts..none that I will tackle today.  It seems the more I write, the easier it seems.  I have reviewed some posts that I have written and see that some aren’t as clear as I would like.  I should let them sit for a bit before pushing the publish button.

I don’t think I have figured out all the ins and outs of wordpress.  I barely got used to the currents system…now they have went and changed it again.  I had a bunch of comments go to spam..will have to remember to check the spam folder from now on.

After November ends I am going to attempt to blog regularly, but probably not daily.  Right now I going to try to find a blog I was reading yesterday that I really enjoyed but I can’t remember the name.  Oh and get some laundry done while I poke around the internet.

Empty Spaces, part two

Yesterday I wrote about the empty spaces of time in my life, times in which I sometimes feel uncomfortable in because I haven’t always a concrete plan of what I should be doing.

I was thinking since I wrote this post that during these empty spaces I am alone with myself…giving me more time to ruminate about how I could better myself.   Maybe these empty spaces of time give me trouble because I still have yet to be at peace with who I really am.   But I know there are ways I can improve…why don’t I just go to what I need to do…instead of hating myself for not doing it(I’m talking about exercise here).

Next year at this time I’ll be making dinner for 3 instead of 4, since my daughter will be away at college.  I often think about how life will be different.  Life will be a little bit less busy.  What will I do with those empty spaces next year?  And what will my husband and I do after the youngest one graduates?   There I go worrying about years into the future when I just should figure out a plan for today.

What do I do to make myself comfortable with me?  Perhaps that sounds strange.    Thanks for reading my semi-coherent ramblings.

Empty Spaces

For the last 17+ years, my life has been structured around parenting, marriage and my job.  In my work there is plenty of structure to keep me going.  I’m not sure I could ever be the self-employed sort, I am a terrible procrastinator.  Outside of work, family life keeps me pretty busy with laundry, making meals, chauffeur duties and all of those other tidbits of family life.

There is a part of me that craves the downtime though, perhaps to take a nap or have a bit of time alone.  It is those empty spaces of time, though that sometimes give me the most trouble.  Should I be reading a book?  Going to the gym?  Surfing the net?  Napping? There is often the conflicted feelings of feeling I should do something, but wanting to do absolutely nothing at all.

If I manage to write a post every day in November(as has been my goal) it will be a bit of small victory for me.  I’m not always good at making a goal and following through with it.  Maybe I should be inspired to set some smaller goals and trying to follow through with them for the month of December, just to show myself I can actually do it.  I know my lack of direction in this part of my life probably contributes to my depression in a way.

Making a goal to get to the gym in December on a regular basis would be a good start.  Heaven knows the time for outside exercise is now past…at least for me.  Seeing results from making a small change such as going to the gym would be a good thing, it would boost my mood in preparation of the after Christmas slump I usually feel.

Here’s to turning the empty spaces in my life into something with more meaning.

Frightful Weather

snLocation: Midwestern United States

Today is day 20 of my 30 day blogathon.  Hmm, what to write.  I’ll just write about ordinary life in my corner of the world.  We are supposed to be getting our first snowstorm today, and it is predicted to be a big one.  It is 38 degrees Farenheit outside.  Hopefully the temperature won’t dip down to freezing, and the weatherman will be wrong. The sky does have that ominous look, weather. I know I have a couple readers in warmer parts of the world who don’t have to deal with snow…lucky you.

I was at the grocery store getting a few things for the weekend, and for Thanksgiving which is next Thursday.  News of  bad weather will always bring more shoppers to the store in a panic, as if they have never faced winter weather before.  Cold weather makes me want to make all sorts of comfort food.

Everyone will be a bit nervous driving when the snow arrives….we’ll all be used to it when February rolls around and we are so over the snow.  I saw a pretty pearly white SUV…..that will soon be covered with the residue of slush and salt.

Ahh…who doesn’t love winter.

 

 

 

The Power of Touch

Today’s writing prompt is a bit hard for me to interpret as it is written.  I’ll concentrate more on this part..”the sense of touch brings back memories for us”.

My mother wasn’t big on physical affection, almost to the point that it was something she was proud of.  I think my dad was a bit more physically affectionate with us as kids, but looking back, I think since we received so little physical affection from her, getting it from my dad seemed odd.  My dad dropped some sort of innuendo once during an argument with her about how cold she’d been in that regard, even with us as babies,   I was never quite sure how to process it.

For me, holding a baby and kissing their heads is one of the greatest joys of life.  I still try to give my kids a hug everyday…even though they think they are to big for it.  I love to run my hands down my husband’s arms and feel how his arms and hands are different than mine, somehow the familiarity of this is comforting.

I have mixed feelings about touch outside of my inner circle.  How I respond to touch seems something that comes from somewhere deep within myself.  Many years ago, I ran into a friend.  I was busy that day.  She wanted to talk, and she touched my arm in the process.  I think I sort of recoiled.  What she wanted to talk about was her sister with cancer.  What a jerk I was to have acted like that.  I’ve gotten better since that day.  Sometimes with hugs I get confused…does a hug transform our relationship into something it wasn’t before?  Do you have to accept a hug if its offered.  If someone at work comes up behind you and starts rubbing your back to you have to act thankful, disguising the awkwardness you might feel?

I’m a nurse.  Sometimes a comforting touch can be a part of our toolbox in helping someone settle who is confused or scared.  I’ve felt a lot of connection holding the hand of someone who is confused, just sitting there with them until their anxiety level decreased.

Well, yet another post in which I expose my odd self.

 

 

 

Imperfections

I don’t remember what exactly we had planned for the day.  We drove north, and stopped where the woods and the river met.  We walked around in the woods enjoying the soft breeze.

Soon we stopped.  We hold each other, I am standing against a tree.  We kiss.  I feel shy, knowing where this could be going.

In the dappled sunlight, I am not ready for you to see my flaws.  But so many years later, I realize you saw my flaws and didn’t care.  It is only me that can’t stop thinking about my imperfections.DSCF2630

Is there anything new in the news today?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ripped from the Headlines!.”

In today’s prompt we are supposed to write a post inspired by something in the headlines.

I am in the grocery store aisle.  Almost every magazine has a Kardashian inspired story, some have a Kardashian on the cover.  Now for me, anything Kardashian related is an instant turnoff….but there must be other Americans who feel differently, otherwise we wouldn’t keep seeing their mugs everywhere.  I go to the CNN website…more news on the Khloe and Lamar situation…..why is Khloe’s every move breaking news?  Wasn’t she going out with James Harden….see I know more than I want to about her, you can’t escape it.  If it isn’t the Kardashians themselves, it is their long line of associated acts…Bruce/Caitlyn, Kanye etc., etc.  The Kardashian empire could potentially stop me from consuming any sort of media.  I usually watch the Today show in the morning.  I believe that NBC is owned by the same company  as the channel that airs the Kardashian shows.  So even Matt Lauer has to help pimp the Kardashian brand…once Kris had a cooking segment…give me a break.

Now this next topic should theoretically be more newsworthy but I am tiring of it as well.  It is a whole year until presidential elections in the US.  I’m getting so sick about hearing about the antics of Donald Trump.  I believe the media coverage of his antics takes away from in-depth coverage of the other candidates.

Window and Walls

I’m revisiting my days as a younger woman again here.  I’m thinking back to how I often formed walls, perhaps not consciously, to keep people out.

In a post I wrote recently I spoke about a time when my life seemed to be falling apart.  I’d dropped out of school, but had stayed living in the college town, amongst all my friends.  One day these friends were like family to me, but over time things seemed to change.  I felt people treating me differently.  I felt as if I’d have to walk a narrow line to keep their friendships.  If I paid my rent late, well it be the talk of the town.  Better not wear a tight skirt..your long time friend will tell someone else it makes her “uncomfortable” when you wear clothes like that.  Go to a party with your friends that are still attending college…meet new people, and feel as though you are being silently judged for dropping out.

At this time, my relationship with my family took a major hit as well.  Sometimes I wonder if that should have been the end, the first time they’d rejected me for not following the script they’d set out for my life.  My parents had a very old fashioned view of life.  They basically believed, even though I was of legal age, that I was not to be treated as a fully functioning adult because I’d been born a girl.  Does that sound crazy to you..it does to me.  Surprisingly though there a lot of people out there who still believe such nonsense….and they even blog about it!  And they believe their brand of Christianity says this is the way to be.

So after that point, for many years in the future, to get along with my family I could only show them slivers of my life….my true self was locked up behind a wall.

It wasn’t just with my family that I started to close off though.  During this ordeal one of my friends told some half-truths to my parents.  That was just devastating to me.  I started closing off more.  The friend who’d blabbed to my parents…during this time I’d stayed quiet about how she’d cheated on her boyfriend(someone well-known to me)while he was out of the country and become pregnant with another man’s baby.  I wonder why I’d kept her secret all this time when she couldn’t be a loyal friend to me.

When I look back and think about the sorts of men I was always attracted to, they were always people who tended to be more quiet than loud.  Men(or boys) with a bit of mystery about them.  Never the class clown types.  I’m not sure why I always attracted to these types.  At this point in my life I do know that I would be just exhausted if I had married someone who couldn’t shut up.

These quiet, mysterious types of course always came with a drawback.  I’d always wanted someone who could open a window to my soul, to understand me…well of course because I was quiet and shy as well, I wanted someone else to do the heavy lifting.  Taking a risk to expose my true self to someone was scary.  Letting someone else see my dark sides…even scarier.  But I desperately wanted someone to open that window, and love me, dark sides and all.

Well even though it was perhaps a process, and the journey was far from complete on our wedding day, I think my husband and I do this for each other.  Love isn’t just about seeing the sweet sides, it is about acknowledging the bitter and sour elements in our partners as well.  Accepting that we’ve each made mistakes. Accepting our quirks, accepting our struggles as well as our victories. 

Why do I blog….day 3 of NaBloPoMo

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Million-Dollar Question.”

I’ve done the blogging rodeo before.  In the past my efforts were aimed at a single subject.  Once I blogged about education, another time about family/school nutrition and the last time was a mix of how religion and gender roles intersect.   The last blog I threw in a few more personal posts, but they seemed out of place.

My first attempt at blogging was very short lived.  WIth my second and third attempts though, I’d partly started my blog to have my own place to share opinions about things that I’d read, things other bloggers had said.  I’d found sometimes with the more strident bloggers, they weren’t really interested in hearing your dissenting opinion.  Some even got a little mad if you talked about their blog on your own.

Before I started this blog, I came across one that shared a lot of personal memories, and it really spoke to me.  Reflecting on snippets of my life, in writing, I think will help me gain new insight in to the person I have now become.  This blog isn’t strictly about personal memories though, just whatever pops into my mind on a given day.

NaBloPoMo November 2015