Feeling more intense

If you are new to my blog, you might not know I sometimes write about my journey with depression.  This will be one of these posts.

With my depression I am frequently fighting to maintain a normal energy level.  Medication helps a lot, but sometimes it feels like I am walking through life with cement boots on. When I feel like this sometimes I would rather lie in bed than attend to life.  I don’ t lie in bed, but feel as if I am in little more than survival mode.

More rarely, I have episodes that could be considered hypomanic where my energy levels are greater then normal and my personality is more intense.  These periods that I consider hypomanic for myself most likely are in the spectrum of normal though.  I know when I feel like this a crash will come later.

Recently I had a really bad day at work. I’m a nurse.  My coworker that worked before me left things in a mess.  So I was angry, which I think was the catalyst for this episode.   I think my anger turned into a sort of adrenaline rush  which carried me through the rest of my shift.  Felling like this I am a little less likely to play it safe with what I say, so the filter was off for a day or two.    The good thing about the filter being off is that I said things that needed to be said.  Sometimes I am shy, and I am not sure how what I say will go over in the world of workplace politics.

The adrenaline rush carries into the next day, where I have the drive to exercise more intensely and longer than I normally would.  I am pleased with the results of my workout.  In my head I plan future workouts.  I plan when I will do the laundry, what I will cook, what other activities I can squeeze in between giving the younger kid rides here and there.  In my head if I want to stick to my new and improved workout plan I’ll have to be more regimented with my time.

Of course my newly hatched plans don’t last long.  On my next day off I wake up feeling like a train ran over me and I sleep late. I don’t exercise that day and my day off is anything but regimented.


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