I’ve often spoken about my depression on my blog, but I’ve been hesitant to speak about another one of my demons…that is my relationship with food.
I believe the problems my father and sister have with alcohol, translate into problems with food for me. Unlike alcohol, one can’t abstain from food.
My relationship with food has always been odd. I was very picky as a child, which meant sometimes I wouldn’t eat much. But since it was my genetic destiny to be one of the tallest kids, at least into my teens, and go through puberty fairly early…the not eating much didn’t work too well. My mom used to pack crappy lunches….maybe I was a brat but I wasn’t going to eat a warm salami sandwich.
When I went through puberty and at that point was ahead of my peers growth wise, my parents I guess decided they didn’t like how I looked. So when I was 5’7″ and 135 I was put on my first diet. So that didn’t help. So sometimes I would start to sneak food when I was hungry. At that point I think I started having anxiety about getting enough to eat. My parents would buy certain foods and then I was told I was not allowed to eat them. When I finished high school my parents had me believing I was fat. At that point I was about 5’8″ and 140-145. I had sort of a soft tummy…but very slender arms and legs.
I was active enough though that the start of some bad eating habits didn’t catch up with me until I was in my mid twenties. The decreased activity level plus an increase in turning to food for comfort meant I gained some weight.
Since then I have always wrestled with my weight. Eating numbs a certain side of me, a side that is more anxious and restless, with sometimes uncomfortable thoughts. What a cigarette or a beer might do for someone else, a grilled cheese will do for me.
Not eating right is a demon. A different sort of demons bubbles to the surface though when I am trying to be more careful with what I eat. I might be a little more snappy. I might have more ambitious thoughts going through my head..thoughts though I would likely never achieve. There is some discomfort with my sexual side as well. This one might be hard to explain. Perhaps the times I have a little extra weight on me means I’m less likely to have to deal with uncomfortable situations with the opposite sex. Things are fine within my marriage though.
My mood, depression wise, is great. I’ve been trying to be better about exercise and eating better. If I could just keep the demons away, life would be great.