One of my original purposes in starting this blog was to have it be a memoir of sorts. I find that writing about the past brings me some clarity, in a way that ruminating about the past in my head does not.
I’ve written before on my blog about the time in my life I had dropped out of college. It was both a low point in my life and a turning point as well.
Z was one of my oldest friends. We still keep in touch today, but we aren’t that close. If it wasn’t for Facebook, I wonder if we would keep in touch as often as we do.
Z and I had been school friends before deciding to attend the same college. Z and I shared a peripheral friend group, some of whom attended the same college. Along the way the two of us acquired new friends.
Back then I don’t think I was sure about much. Z was like a sister to me though, I thought that would never end. We had a lot in common. Our parents both expected us to fit into a certain mold. Z’s parents were much more loving than mine though. Z was a bit on the prim side, more than I was. Attending my Catholic school though, I had the outward appearance of being prim …and while not as prim as Z, most people assumed I was a goody two shoes. If you’d ever watched Sex and the City, she reminded me of Charlotte, but without Trey or the other guy(Harry?). Too lazy to look up his name. I thought we’d exchange recipes, live on the same street and trade parenting tips together. We both liked to bake and try new recipes. While neither of us was in a hurry to jump into land of motherhood, we always liked being in the kitchen together.
Memory is a funny thing…I might not remember what I made for supper a few days ago….but I still remember Z’s childhood phone number.
When I dropped out of college, I knew my life had changed. People started reacting to me differently. Some of the friends Z and I shared started telling lies about me. I don’t recall ever addressing those issues with her. I know that I started to withdraw during this time, perhaps not from Z but from some of our shared friends. Z withdrew from me also. We never entirely lost contact though.
Of course it is natural that friendships from childhood won’t always stay the same. If I could have gone back in time and somehow righted the course of our friendship I would have.
When I received the invitation for Z’s wedding in the mail, I don’t think I realized at that point how much our friendship had changed. I suppose at one point I would have expected to be in the wedding but I honestly hadn’t thought much about it until the actual wedding day. Sitting in the congregation I saw that a couple of our previously shared friends were her bridesmaids. It wasn’t the fact that they were her bridesmaids and I was not that stung…it was that I knew at that point she had gone forward with her life and left me out of it. At that point we lived in different areas, there was no social media and I guess I was just caught by surprise. I did wonder with one of the particular bridesmaids if she had indicated that she did not wish for me to be a bridesmaid.
For the most part I don’t care too much about old friendships. With this one I regret though not trying to figure out where things went wrong, and not making a better attempt to keep our friendship strong. Back then, and even now, I still am befuddled at how to repair broken connections. No matter what though, next time I turn on the oven to bake, I will still remember the years of friendship we did have, and be thankful for it.