They say write about what you know. Depression is something I definitely know about. I rarely talk about it though. My husband knows. My doctor knows. Otherwise I keep it inside. There is a part of my personality that thinks it needs to show the world all is shiny and bright.
I’ve taken antidepressants on and off my entire adult life. I’ve done counseling a couple times. Next time I see my doctor I am going to ask her for an increase in my dosage. Winter always seems to be harder for me. I can already feel the effects of the decreasing sunlight. I am feeling like I want to get into a ball under the covers and hibernate, and that is about right where my energy level feels today.
I feel like I am on a solitary island. The island represents normalcy. The surrounding water represents the forces that want to pull me into a depressive state. The island seems to be shrinking. On most days I have a toe or a foot in the water. The sea of depression colors how I look at the world. While everyone else is happy, there is a part of me always trying to pull my foot out of the water to experience the same happiness they feel.
The sea of depression includes the influences of my family of origin. Of course they aren’t responsible for how I feel. But because they are always miserable, they’d like someone to join them. I’ve been dealing with this struggle more in the past few weeks.
The sea of depression slows me down. Once I get my foot in the water, I feel like I am always struggling to get out of quicksand.
Sometimes the fake it until you make it approach works for a while. Of course I try all of the nonpharmaceutical approaches…sunlight and exercise. I feel weak when I stumble across the writings of those who believe such medications are unnecessary. I feel weak anyway, because if I really tried hard enough, I could just snap out of it, couldn’t I.